Communication is so much more than the words we speak. There is body language, tone, volume, and feeling. People will forget what you said, but remember how you made them feel. I think feelings are a big part of what we’re saying, intending, and meaning. There is a lot going on with how were feeling, if we’re anything but happy, I would question, Why?
First: What is the feeling? Can you identify it?
Second: Why do you have the feeling you have? Is it related to a past memory? Is your emotional response “out of place”? If so, why? What’s the feeling trying to tell you? What’s the “story”?
Third: Once you identify the memory, the story, is it still true? Or is it holding you back? What do you need to learn/examine? What’s the positive lesson?
Forth: What do you want to be feeling instead? What thoughts would lead to feelings of joy or happiness?
Fifth: Take active steps to get toward a good/better feeling.
In his Book “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself” Dr. Joe Dispenza has a practice of thought stopping or thought awareness. In which, if you have a negative thought or a thought that doesn’t lead you in the direction you want to go to use the word “change”. Say it out loud and replace it with the desired thinking, the new thinking.
Ultimately, if you’re unhappy a good place to start is the thoughts you think and the words you say. These are all a reflection of your inner world and if many thoughts are that of criticism, judgment, or complaining, our mind and body are not very happy. If you think about it, literally, the negative thoughts are only heard and understood within you, by you and are a reflection of you.
Researcher Brene Brown says: Judgment is when we find someone doing worse than us in an area we feel weak/bad, and we judge them to make ourselves feel better. However, the relief is only temporary and it’s an excuse to not work on self-improvement.
So, how do we improve our communication? One way is Non-violent Communication (NVC) developed by Marshal Rosenberg in which there a simple (yet complex) four step process in order to communicate effectively.
#1 Make an observation
#2 Identify the Feeling
#3 What’s the Need?
#4 Make a request
This works great when one person is very skilled or both are practiced in NVC. Learning to listen to our own feelings and the feelings of others and to reflect those feelings is huge step in conscious communication. Additionally, your feelings are valid for you, aka no one can argue with how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings.
If you enjoy feeling good, if you want to feel better more of the time. Start to become more aware of your feelings, control them rather than them controlling you. Take your power back, feel better and communicate better in the process.
Another way to communicate more clearly is to have agreements around communication!
Such as:
After I get home from work, can I have 30 minutes to myself to decompress before we talk about our days?
When we talk, Can you just listen for (5, 10 minutes), do not fix, problem solve, try to help, JUST listen?
Don't listen to reply, listen to truly understand that persons world. Listen to feel the feelings going on for that person. Feel the emotions they're feeling and "guess" how they might be feeling in that moment.
We make conscous or unconscious agreements about several area's of our life and sometimes that includes communication. If we have clear ways in which we understand how the other person is communicating we better understand their perspective.
Then there's the 4 agreements: (By don Miguel Ruiz)
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
If both parties agree to do their best to follow the 4 agreements, we have a better understanding of their perspective.
We understand or friend/partner/lover was doing their best with what they knew at the moment but that new information or knowlege might be necessary for a better outcome.
Happy Communicating!