Let’s imagine it’s your birthday and a distant relative gets you a realllly ugly sweater, it’s not your color, it’s not a good shape or size, and you will NEVER wear this thing because it’s simply ugly but also soooo NOT YOU.
They thought of you, they even took time and energy to send you a gift, they love and care about you (at least to the degree they are willing/able). Luckily this sweater came with a gift receipt! Whew! (There it is at the bottom of the box!) You can return it and get something you will love and will wear.
Why, you could even send a little thank you note, letting them know just how much you appreciate the gift without judging the sender (for their terrible taste in clothing).
This was an obvious example of someone trying to show love. However, some people may actually think they ARE being loving when they hurt you, insult you, or belittle you.
There are generations of “tough love” parents who learned that life is hard, pull yourself together by the bootstraps (don’t ask for help), and stop being…whatever it is you’re currently BEing because that’s NOT good enough.
They actually think THAT’s being loving and good luck trying to change their minds on this one.
I did, however, tell my Dad recently, “You know Dad, your “tough love” thing is not very loving and it’s just tough,” to which he responded with something along the lines of… “This is who I am” to which I realized, I’m also not being very loving and accepting of him as he is.
Tough love is how he’s choosing to express love and I can’t change him. I can only change how I perceive the situation. So I’ll choose to see it as a loving act; after all... I think he means it that way.
Once the “gift” is received, you are free to do with it what you wish. If the ugly sweater didn’t have a gift receipt, you could place it at the back of your closet, donate it to charity, cut it into pieces, or make it into a shopping bag. Once the gift is received, it’s yours to do with how you wish, how YOU choose to receive it.
When someone criticizes you, it is always a gift.
In fact, I’ve started to call it the “Gift of Criticism” because like any gift, you get to decide how to receive it.
If you are triggered by the criticism, it’s because YOU think there’s some truth there.
If someone calls you a stinky purple elephant but you know you are NOT a stinky purple elephant, you can walk away relatively unharmed by the insult (even a little impressed by their creativity).
It’s when it triggers you though, that is because YOU have an underlying belief that you wish you didn’t have and they are simply reflecting that belief to you.
They are actually showing you were more “PLAY” can be done. They are showing you exactly where a false belief or old story is still hiding. They just pressed a magic button, your buttons!