“Holding Space” involves creating a space for mental, physical, and emotional safety.
#1 Turn off distractions.
To best hold space there should be nothing else demanding attention from you or the person you wish to focus on. This means turning of a television or radio, silencing phones, hang a “do not disturb” sign; ask those around you (children, roommates, partner, etc.) to support your need for time and space. For this period of time, no one and nothing is more important than the person you wish to hold space for!
#2 Keep eye contact.
Keep your eyes are fixed on the person that you’re holding space for! This lets them know they have your complete attention; even if they are not looking at you. When they finally look up, they’ll know you never looked away, not for a second. That second could be the very second they look up after crying, after screaming, after a long silence, or deep in thought. You want their eyes to meet yours. Your eyes should be looking back on them with nothing but love in them. Ready and waiting for what they have to share next.
#3 Listen with an open heart.
By “open heart” I mean that you are in the mode to receive what the other person is about to share. Also, you are mostly listening, not talking. What you have to say should be brief, and only to convey that you are listening and want to hear more. Under their pain is a beautiful heart that longs to be heard. With your presence you are saying “I hear you.” “I see you.” I am here with an open heart and open mind ready to relieve the thoughts that burden you.
#4 Remind them that you care/they are not alone.
When, and if the conversation slows or stops, this is a great time to let the person know that you care about them and that they are not alone in what they are going through. This could be in words “I care about you” “I’m listening” ‘I’m here” “you’re not alone”. This could also take the form of a warm gentle smile on your face, holding their hand, or giving them a hug. Non-sexual physical touch is great for grounding and connection. It’s a physical reminder that someone is there especially, when/if they get lost in thought.
#5 Don't interrupt.
In normal conversation, we listen for “key words”, ideas, or topics we know something about, in order to keep the conversations flowing. In our mind (consciously or unconsciously) we are thinking of the thing to say next, in order to continue the conversation. We are trying to relate their experience of the world to one of ours. That is NOT what we do when we’re holding space! Whatever the person is saying is a reflection of their world and it’s true for them! We can keep them talking by nodding, saying “uh huh”, or yeah… which gives permission for them to continue.
#6 Don’t joke or change the subject
We also don’t want to interject a joke, again jokes are great in normal conversation but in THIS context a joke implies “lighten up” “this is too heavy” “I’m going to change the conversation” “don’t feel that, be happy instead” it’s a form of fixing.
#7 Don't fix, judge, analyze, etc.
To fix, judge, or analyze suggests, we know “better” than they do how to best deal with their situation or problem. This takes away their autonomy and belittles their experience of the world. INSTEAD we could reflect back the feelings being expressed. “That sounds hard” “That must have been frustrating” “Were you scared?” Don’t worry about guessing the feeling wrong, they’ll naturally correct you. “Not scared, more like anxious”. Either way, they’ll feel heard and grateful for your attempt to “get their world”.
#8 Encourage Emotional Release
To hold space is to allow for what needs to emerge; to emerge! Their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about the world can stir up all sorts of emotions that may have been buried, suppressed, or denied. When given space to speak freely, the emotions are now safe to be released and that’s exactly what needs to happen. Reassure them “it’s okay”, “let it out” or a sympathetic “yeah”. When they start to hold back or start to apologize for getting emotional. This is an extremely pivotal moment! They are questioning… “Is this safe?” “Is this okay?” and the response should be a resounding “Yes!”
#9 Accept the person as they are!
We all long for love and connection; it’s a basic human need and a pretty important one. The way to feel like we belong is to be accepted just as we are. Attempting to live up to an expectation of what a mother, daughter, friend, lover “should” be, comes from the very need to be loved and accepted. Ironically, we find our needs are not being met at all. It is only when we feel safe to let our guard down, to be vulnerable, to be truly ourselves that we feel loved. Holding space gives someone the permission to be who they are!
#10 Set your ego aside.
Your Ego is your need to be right or make someone else wrong. Your ego may want the person to be something they are not. Your ego may think something is one way, when it’s really not. It may take something someone said or did personally, when it wasn’t personal at all. It has all sorts of funny ways to interpret a situation to keep you as the “victim” or “innocent” or whatever it needs to do, in order to feel important. When you’re holding space for someone else, it’s not about YOU.
#11 Keep the conversation confidential.
Even if a formal agreement is not made that it’s confidential; confiding in someone implies that what’s being shared is not to be repeated. If something said in confidence has been shared with someone else, it now feels deceitful, manipulative, or backstabbing. What once felt like a safe space-YOU; has just become very unsafe! Nothing will block connection quicker then lack of trust. Once trust is broken it is extremely difficult to gain it back! We’re all human and accidents do happen. If you happen to break trust or confidentiality admit your mistake, be genuine, and strive to do better in the future.
I hope these tips allow you to hold space for the people you love and care about. Truly listening, truly being seen and heard is becoming a lost art. Let’s keep it alive. Much love! –IzaBelle Sweet